I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
