Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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