He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
