meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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