the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
