and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
