This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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