I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
