And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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