my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
