she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
