Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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