sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
