just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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