who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
