I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
