my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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