I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
