remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.