The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound