I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.