thus making me awesome and them whores
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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