There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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