hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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