i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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