arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
