and you said cock pushups were impossible
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
