lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
