I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
