Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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