so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
