i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
