Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
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GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize