You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
