someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
