You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
