then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
