Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He better not be in your backpack
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
