happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
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drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
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Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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