How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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