The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
