Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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