Rock
Scissors
Fuck
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
