Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
