he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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