My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
