I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
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You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.