her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm gonna have a badass scar
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.