Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She has the best kind of daddy issues