i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.