I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
