Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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