Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
