happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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