He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We need to get me chipped asap
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
