i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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