meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
