Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
