____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
