Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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