she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
